R.I.P. Ma' Lupe

Check it. My Ma' Licho (my Grandmother) w/my son Andrew, while we surround My Ma' Lupe (my Great-Grandmother) & myself. 5 generations, my mother's missing to complete the picture. THANK YOU SO MUCH GOD FOR ALLOWING HER TO MEET MY BABY BOY.

Just like I was a baby & my great-great-grandmother was able to hold me, Andrew was able to hang with his own great-great-grandmother. Lord, please take care of her.

Take care of us. Please calm me down. Please calm my tears. I need to be strong. It's just my brother Carlos & I here now & we need to take care of all these responsibilities. Please give me strength. I love you Ma' Lupe. I miss you. I remember we . Nah. I can't.

Motherly Love

I know why my mom liked this.

This song touched my heart. LISTEN.

www.MySpace.com/AyeBe

Song even made me cry.

Ever wonder..

Why in the most unexpected times you start thinking about someone you loved so dearly?

Te sigo queriendo " :] "

Oh little one..

I tried to reach you today, again. & your dad woudnt let me. He even told me to never contact you again. This isn't right & I will continue to pray for you.

Happy Easter my son.

To love you is an understatement.

Hey baby..

You know how Mama has her eyes closed & you kiss my eyelids & when I say, "Ow!" you laugh?

Well Mama thinks of you. Mama hopes for you. Mama gives you strength. Mama prays.

Little do you know that I pray for you often. I pray you're eating healthy & are fearless whether I'm around or not. You mean so much to me. I love when you grab me & won't let go. I love that when I'm sleepy, you're aware I DO want to spend time with you, but due to exhaustion I can barely keep up with your energy. I love that you then decide you're going to take care of me. You lay or sit next to me & pat your chest/lap & say, "Mama, c'mere. Lay down. Tired Mama."

I'm crying.

Sigh.

Half the time I don't even understand what you're saying because well, you don't speak clearly. Sometimes I just understand that last word & it helps me figure out the rest. I don't baby you. I don't goo goo ga ga & according to my mom, I'm cold. I'm never affectionate. But you know me, don't you. You know I loooovvveeee our kisses. I love the time u take to place your cute set on my cheek & forehead. One of the best kisses is when you're feeling goofy/silly..

I just know that everyone else can judge me & the time I spend away from you but you & I will always have our moments where nothing can interrupt our love & no one else matters. I hope you never forget those moments, Love. God, I pray..

Baby, I hope your dad doesn't give you a lot of candy. I know how much you love it-that, you got from your daddy because Mama doesn't have a sweet tooth. I just know that last night I knew that you would be hungry & he told me that you wanted candy the rest of the night. I became very concerned but just let God hold me & my worries.

You will be fine. No matter what.

Now, if only I had enough faith to believe that.

I'm working on it.

Happy Birthday 4·5·6!!

For The Love Of You, Andrew

Drifting on a memory
Ain't no place I'd rather be, no,
Than with you
Loving you

Lovely as a ray of sun that touches me when the morning comes

My love and me, ooh

Enchanted with your touch
It seems to me we can sail together in and out of misery

I wanna be living for the love of you
All that I'm giving is for the, for the love of you

Paradise I held within
Can't feel insecure again
You're the key
Oh, this I see, this I see, ooh
Now I'm there and I lose my way
Using words to try to say what I feel
I feel that love is free
I know that love is free

I just wanna be giving all my love to you
Each and every day

You know that I'm living for you

Merry Christmas to You!

Andrew is sleep by 9p every night, gets a nap in between the times of 12p & 3p. Yesterday, of course I was letting him stay up. He woke up from his nap around 4p so I knew he wouldn't be ready to lay down @ 8:30p. I was @ work @ 8p and wasn't expecting to see him until Christmas Day.

My mom & Carlos surprised me & for SOME reason COMPLETELY forgot about Andrew. That sounds wrong. I mean, since I know he is sleep around midnight I didn't expect to see him but if my mom & Carlos are both @ my job of course Andrew would have to come through! ANYWAY: FIRST! I was surprised and I remember saying, "Oh my God," while staring at the front door. They came in, my mom, gave me a big hug and said, "We came to wish you a Merry Christmas. Te traje a tu hijo...." I almost cried when Andrew ran into my arms with a huge smile on his face.

*tearing up again*

I hugged him, closed my eyes, held tightly & said, "Merry Christmas Andrew!!"

*tears running down my face now (not then)*

He kept holding onto me, tighter than I was holding him.

I enjoyed every millisecond of that hug. Hope to never forget it.

Footprints On My Soul

I see what they mean now when they say, "They grow up so fast, don't they?" It's almost just a blur when I held you for the first time as I had tears of joy coming out of my eyes and I was letting you know everything would be all right and that you were with me and you were well and I love you so much. I'm your mama, I'm here, it's okay. I love you baby.

Now you reach out for me. You hold my hand. You ask me where and when you want me to kiss you. You brush your teeth and tell me you're ready for me to accept a kiss from me. You hurt yourself and before I can even ask if you're all right, you run up and look up at me to say, "Mama. I'm Ok." How adorable are you?

You and I have grown so much since I discovered you'd be a part of my life. An amazing journey I'd say including the stories I don't know about during those 7 lonely but most productive (of my life) months you were away from me. You're growing baby boy and I feel like now I need to hear you to tell me that everything would be all right. That you are going to bewith me and I am well and you love me so. You're my son. You will be there, it's okay. You love your mama.

I'm afraid Son. Afraid of working too much and not spending enough time with you. I'm afraid that once again I will miss out on ONE day without knowing what it is you did, ate, felt, experienced.. something you did for the first time in your life-without me. I don't want to lose you again. I want to hear that that won't happen. I want to be reassured. But most importantly I want to believe it. I want to wake up every morning and know you are still with me. I want to be able to experience things you do that let me know you are happy. I want to show you things you have never dreamed of. I want to constantly see that beautiful smile of yours while you're staring into my eyes. Those big, brown eyes.

When you start growing day by day without me I want you to think of me. I want you to invite me on your journey. I want to be beside you when you are happy, sad, lonely, in need of comfort, when you just want to squeeze the hell out of my arm like you love to do so often, I want to be there. When you are angry with me because I won't give you three Skittles, only two. When you look at me and tell me, "Scared. Mama. Scared." I want to be there to let you know that there is nothing you need to be afraid of. Nothing at all.

I think what you are trying to tell me now is that I don't have to be afraid. I don't and should not have any fear in my heart. I should maintain faith and try hard to never let go of it and feed it well in order for it to blossom. There is nothing I need to be afraid of. Nothing at all.

Trying People Lyrics - De La Soul

[intro: A friend's voicemail to Dave]
Dave, whattup man?
It's me
Umm.. just callin to see, if possible, if you have any
time today or within the next couple of days
If, if, you're in the studio.. or if you're at home.. or car, whatever
That song.. that.. it's called trying or something, Mase
was tellin me that I needed to hear?
He said it was amazing
Whoo.. the way he was talkin.. man I wanna hear it!

[Dave]
Am I just another lost in the pack?
We for shack ship, you know laugh it off
Years just blow by
My eyes stay fixed but the picture's kinda outta focus
I cry a lot but admit to it
Enjoyin life now but I've been through it
Sometimes I wish that I can go back
No bills no kids just getting tore back
I want a wife, I love women
How could I front like I don't be in love wit em?
A li'l man that I can teach
A li'l sand but not the beach
I figure excess'll only bring an excessive amount of fussin
So when I'm gone, make sure the head stone reads, 'He did it for us'
I'm like your modern day Jesus
I cherish warm thoughts like a gray goose
And float soft kisses to my baby
(yo ain't that Dave's little girl?)
Yeah, respect her for that
She gon be somebody
Instead of somebody-baby-mama
You see young minds are now made of armor
I'm tryin to pop a hole in your Yankee cap
Absorb me
The skies over your head aint safe no more
And Hip Hop aint your own
And if it is then you f**kin up the crib son
You make life look like I don't wanna live one
You might as well hold your breath until you die in a
corner somewhere bent over in the crevice
This God Theory overcomes the worst of weathers
As long as you willin to try, you on a good start homie
.. you on a good start.. see nigga tryin

[Chorus: Dave & Children]

[Dave] People are you ready?
[Children] Yes we're ready!

Are you really ready?
We wanna be ready!

Ready for the change that may approach you?
Yes!

Follow down the path that you supposed to?
Yes!

People are you ready?
Yes we're ready!

Are you really ready to try?
We wanna try harder!

You know mistakes are trials that we learn from?

Yes!

I order to live life, you must earn one?
Yes!

People are you ready?

[Pos]
Throughout my change to grow, Some of my people got left behind
They didn't listen for the gun, as I leaped from off the line
Thirteen years deep in this marathon I'm runnin
Paid dues and still got bills to pay
When I came back around the way
Old friends gave me dead eyes
and fake smiles, half wide
We were supposed to rid the world of danger
These days we nod heads and small talk like polite strangers
It's natural to fall off, just land close to the tree
I'll be there if they need me to be
and I know all my local shorties
cuz they all know who I am
and latey wanna flip grammar instead of grams
Like that's the only choice they got
They tell me how they gonna shake up the game
but came to me to see if I could give em guidance for change
Shit y'all, I need guidance myself
and I chisel right words to make gems
Got fans around the world, but my girl's no one of em
And my relationship's a big question
Cuz my career's a clear hindrance to her progression
Said she needs a man and our kids need a father
I'm not at all ready to hear her say don't bother
And break
And this I know I can't take
but uhh
C. Smith said to hold on
My brother Luck said to hold on
My nigga Dave said to hold on
My nigga Mase said to hold on
Yo, Maseo, we need to hold on
Eh, yo, y'all we need to hold on

[Chorus: Pos & Children]

[Pos] People are you ready?
[Children] Yes we're ready!

Well, what you wanna be?
We wanna be ready!

Do you wanna lose hate for love?
Yes!

Do you wanna see these gates above?
Yes!

I said people are you ready?
Yes we're ready!

But are you willing to try?
We wanna try harder!

Do you really wanna carry some weight?
Yes!

Are you ready to design your fate?
Yes!

Yo, people are you ready?
Yes we're ready!

Well what you wanna be?
We wanna be ready!..

[outro: AOI computer honey]
Operation complete. Preparing for.. Installment three

*I LOVE THIS SONG. SO MUCH.

One Night Only.

When I had my son, I dreamed of going to Barra De Navidad and visit my great grandmother so she can see her great-great grandson. And have pictures taken with the both of them and when he gets older I could tell him about the memories that he may not recall and share with him pictures and tell her of all the stories that she shared with me and of her secret wisdom that she only shared with me. I am the only female granddaughter as well as the great granddaughter and I feel special for that.

My mother doesn't remember her great grandmother but her great grandmother got to hold her when my mother was a baby and my grandma tells my mom about it anytime my mom wants to ask about it.

When my mom told me that, I thought it was such a beautiful thing. I mean yeah my mom doesn't remember but my great great grandmother got to see her! And that's just. Beautiful. It really is. Nothing else matters to me when I hear or feel something like that.

I daydream of the day when I am able to see my great grandmother because I want her to meet her great great grandson. Don't get me wrong. I don't think of this because I want history to repeat itself in a good way. I just want that experience.

She has a bad hip and has been in a wheelchair for a long time now and I feel like she's not passing away until sometime after she meets Andrew. And it may be weird but that's just something I feel. I know I could be wrong but the hope in me is that she lives a long time and even after she sees Andrew for her to remain alive and well.

My great grandmother thinks and says outloud to family and friends that she will die in surgery. She says that that's the reason she hasn't fixed her hips and that even something minor as getting surgery on her eyes [she can only see figures but can't make out who is front of her; is able to tell by voice], would kill her. She's said that she always knew that she would die if she went through surgery. So she chooses to suffer and live instead. She's strong.

I love her way more than she knows and not being able to talk to her just kills me.

Tonight my aunt got a call from our relatives in Mexico and was told that my Ma Lupe was vomiting blood and she is in the hospital now.

I pray.