Testament

I know what it's like to not have you. Not just for a weekend, a couple weeks, almost a year I missed out on your life. I did the best that I could to see you again, to help you remember what we had. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see you again.

Think about it.

I do not know what I would do if I could not see you again.
I truly do not.

But baby.. No. Not baby. My "big boy.."
I can't stop treating you as if I'm never going to see you again. That, in itself is a sign of weakness. As if I'm not sure enough I will always have you. I say this to myself a lot.

'You won't know strength if I am unable to show you it.'
& my (heart)beat goes on.

1963

& stretch

My aunt's turtle was supposed to be with us for a couple of weeks. I think it is ours now. I dislike it a lot. Today it did a neat thing though. Practiced some yoga.

Golden $tate

Like everyone should, I'm proud of where I'm from. But this (lack thereof) justice system. It gets a grip of your beliefs. Your morals. One begins to question when they'll get a Gold Star for doing a good job on staying true to self.

C.R.E.A.M.

Final thought(s): I never would have thought that I would have my ONE in the courthouse with me; accompanying my struggle. The American Dream. God bless the U-S of A. *burns United States flag*

Speed Your Love to Me

Another morning w/o my son, Andrew. As I stare at "my" room that looks like his [thanks to me] I find myself, yet again, on (an emotional) one. I was looking at pictures of him & I thought to myself, he's growing up. [Duh, right] I mean.

It's more like where did the time go? How old am I?

I just miss him & though he's away from me a few days each week, I want that time back! Like I want all those days. I want them all. I feel like I'm NOT supposed to be away. Granted, I'd probably ask for a break or 737 of them if he really was with me every day but. Still. His smile. His laugh. His embrace. Even when he's rough & tackles me when I'm least ready. Throughout his unecessary crying & irritating whines I Miss Him So Much. Because of my graveyard shifts, I come home around 6:15AM. He wakes up shortly after & I'm so tired. But I just got home now & boyy do I wish he was here so we can play.

Why?

Shit don't make any sense! I should be using this time to regroup & take advantage of him not being around & get some rest! Alas, I lay awake. Alone.

Oh, Love. In many ways you work to make me feel so good. & turn right around & have it hurt so badly.

Love, I can't get enough of you. I live for you, Love.

Love Always, Jennifer.