Footprints On My Soul

I see what they mean now when they say, "They grow up so fast, don't they?" It's almost just a blur when I held you for the first time as I had tears of joy coming out of my eyes and I was letting you know everything would be all right and that you were with me and you were well and I love you so much. I'm your mama, I'm here, it's okay. I love you baby.

Now you reach out for me. You hold my hand. You ask me where and when you want me to kiss you. You brush your teeth and tell me you're ready for me to accept a kiss from me. You hurt yourself and before I can even ask if you're all right, you run up and look up at me to say, "Mama. I'm Ok." How adorable are you?

You and I have grown so much since I discovered you'd be a part of my life. An amazing journey I'd say including the stories I don't know about during those 7 lonely but most productive (of my life) months you were away from me. You're growing baby boy and I feel like now I need to hear you to tell me that everything would be all right. That you are going to bewith me and I am well and you love me so. You're my son. You will be there, it's okay. You love your mama.

I'm afraid Son. Afraid of working too much and not spending enough time with you. I'm afraid that once again I will miss out on ONE day without knowing what it is you did, ate, felt, experienced.. something you did for the first time in your life-without me. I don't want to lose you again. I want to hear that that won't happen. I want to be reassured. But most importantly I want to believe it. I want to wake up every morning and know you are still with me. I want to be able to experience things you do that let me know you are happy. I want to show you things you have never dreamed of. I want to constantly see that beautiful smile of yours while you're staring into my eyes. Those big, brown eyes.

When you start growing day by day without me I want you to think of me. I want you to invite me on your journey. I want to be beside you when you are happy, sad, lonely, in need of comfort, when you just want to squeeze the hell out of my arm like you love to do so often, I want to be there. When you are angry with me because I won't give you three Skittles, only two. When you look at me and tell me, "Scared. Mama. Scared." I want to be there to let you know that there is nothing you need to be afraid of. Nothing at all.

I think what you are trying to tell me now is that I don't have to be afraid. I don't and should not have any fear in my heart. I should maintain faith and try hard to never let go of it and feed it well in order for it to blossom. There is nothing I need to be afraid of. Nothing at all.